What Regulation Really Looks Like (and Why We Have to Go First)

Everyone says to "stay calm" when a child is melting down.

But let’s be honest — regulation isn’t always peaceful. And staying calm? It’s not a performance. It’s a practice.

I used to think I was regulated because I didn’t yell. But I was clenching my jaw. My shoulders were at my ears. My breath was shallow. My internal monologue was spinning: “Get it together. You have to fix this.”

That wasn’t calm. That was suppression.

And our kids feel the difference.

What Regulation Actually Feels Like

Regulation isn’t the absence of emotion. It’s the ability to notice what’s rising in us — and choose a response instead of a reaction.

True regulation means:

• Pausing before you speak.

• Softening your body on purpose.

• Taking a breath even when it feels like a waste of time.

• Staying present with a child, not above them.

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It looks quiet on the outside. But inside, it’s active. Intentional. Sometimes clumsy. Always human.

Why We Have to Go First

One of the hardest truths I’ve learned in 25+ years as a SPED teacher is this:

We cannot ask kids to access regulation in the presence of our dysregulation.

When a child is overwhelmed, their nervous system is scanning ours: Are you safe? Are you grounded? Can I borrow your calm?

If we want them to co-regulate, we have to offer something worth borrowing.

And that means we go first. Even when it’s hard. Especially when it’s hard.

A Story From My Classroom

I once had a student who threw books, screamed curse words, and hit (to the point of breaking my hand) when overwhelmed. I had strategies, visuals, plans. But none of it worked until I started shifting my own energy.

One day, instead of bracing, I crouched beside him and said quietly, “I’ll breathe with you.” I breathed, slowly, out loud. Not a lecture. Not a tool. Just a human moment.

He didn’t calm down instantly. But something shifted. And over time, that shift became trust. And that trust became regulation.

It didn’t come from the strategy. It came from me choosing to be safe, even when I felt shaky.

Tools to Try When It’s Hard

Here are a few tools I still use when I feel myself tipping out of regulation:

• Anchor Words: Choose a calming mantra to repeat silently (one of my favorites is tapping my thumb on each finger as I repeat to myself, "I am safe here."

• Hand on Heart: A subtle physical cue that helps me come back to my body.

• Slow Exhale: 4-second inhale, 6-second exhale. Just one round helps.

• Visual Cue: I keep a tiny rainbow sticker on my lanyard — a quiet reminder to stay grounded.

  
  

You don’t need to be perfect. You just need to stay in the work with softness.

Regulation isn’t what we do to kids. It’s what we model for them.

We don’t always get it right. But we practice. And that practice becomes the atmosphere they learn in.

Next week, I’ll share what happens when going first becomes too much — and how to care for ourselves when we’re carrying everyone else’s storms.

You’re doing sacred work. Let’s keep breathing through it — together.