Parenting When You Grew Up With No Feelings: The Gen X Paradox

By Ronette Parker

If you’re a Gen X parent like me, you grew up in the era of:

• “Because I said so.”

• “Stop crying.”

• “You’re fine.”

• What's Therapy?

• Emotions? Absolutely not.

• And the only coping skill you were allowed was… repression.

We weren’t raised to talk about feelings.

We were raised to not have them.

And now — lucky us — we’re the generation expected to raise emotionally literate, self-aware, boundary-honoring children who can name their feelings, regulate their nervous systems, and talk through conflict without burning the house down.

Meanwhile, some of us are still learning what “regulated” even means.

This is the Gen X paradox, and it makes parenting really hard.

 

The Truth: I Was Never Taught How to Do This

I grew up scared to question my parents.

Fear wasn’t a parenting tool — it was the entire system.

If you dared to speak up?

You were shut down.

If you cried?

You were dramatic.

If you were angry?

You were sent to your room until you “got over it.”

And this wasn't our parent's fault, that's how they were raised, so we do what we know. Feelings and emotions are hard to talk about and even harder to witness in someone else- so we were sent to our rooms to calm down.

Like many of us, I became a world-class emotional contortionist:

• shove it down

• swallow it whole

• deal with it alone

• pretend it doesn’t hurt

• keep the peace (oh to be the ever people pleaser!)

• survive

That was the emotional curriculum of the 1980s.

And then, during a particularly dangerous chapter of my teenage years, my mom finally brought me to a therapist. This was a last resort for my poor parents to figure out what the hell was wrong with their black and white thinking, moody, self-destructive demon child.

I’m sure she was hoping for a magic wand moment — the kind where the professional cracks me open, scoops out all the anger and rebellion, and hands back the sweet child I used to be.

But that is not what happened.

At all.

What happened was this:

We sat there.

And stared at each other.

In silence.

For… a while.

Because here’s the thing:

You can’t toss a Gen X kid into therapy at 15 and expect them to spill their soul when they’ve spent their entire life being trained to never talk about anything “uncomfortable,” “bad,” or “inconvenient.”

You can’t go from:

“Stop crying.”

“Don’t talk back.”

“We don’t air our dirty laundry.”

to:

“Please open up emotionally to this stranger under fluorescent lighting.”

The brain doesn’t work like that.

The heart doesn’t work like that.

And Gen X definitely doesn’t work like that.

So I shut down.

Locked up.

Stared at the therapist like she was an alien.

And refused to give a single inch.

Therapy ended with zero breakthroughs and one very confused adult who probably needed her own therapy session afterward.

Because here’s the truth:

You cannot unteach silence in 50 minutes.

And that emotionally frozen teenager?

She didn’t disappear.

She grew up with me.

 

Then I Became a Parent… And Everything Got Messy

When I became a mom, I wanted to break every cycle:

No fear.

No shame.

No silence.

No emotional suppression.

I wanted to give my child everything I never had — connection, closeness, softness, curiosity.

And honestly?

I thought they were the coolest little human I had ever met.

I loved watching them grow, ask big questions, and show me sides of life I didn’t even know were missing.

But here’s the problem:

When you weren’t given boundaries, you don’t magically know how to set them.

So I did what a lot of Gen X parents do:

I raised my child like a friend.

Like a big sister.

Like the fun parent who made everything feel safe, cozy, and open.

Because I didn’t want my kid to be scared of me.

I didn’t want to be the mom whose voice made the room go silent.

I wanted to create a safe space for this little human to develop into the amazing person they were meant to be, without me projecting my hang ups onto them..

So I swung to the opposite pole — all connection, no correction.

All softness, little structure.

Not because I didn’t care.

But because I cared too much.

 

But Here’s the Twist: My Inner 16-Year-Old Never Grew Up

There is a part of me — the rebellious, fiery, sarcastic, impulsive 16-year-old — who is very much still alive inside my 50-year-old body.

She never finished growing up because no one helped her do it.

And now?

She shows up when things get overwhelming.

She hates rules.

She hates being told what to do.

She hates conflict.

She hates emotional discomfort.

She wants to dye her hair pink and scream into the void.

And she definitely knows she would not make it in prison.

(Unless starting a cult in the cafeteria counts as a transferable skill, which honestly… it might. A long-term goal, perhaps.)

This humor — the sarcasm, the self-deprecation, the dark wit — isn’t avoidance.

It’s survival.

It’s how Gen X has always coped with things too heavy to name.

 

And This Is Why Parenting Hits Us HARD

We’re raising kids in a world we were not prepared for.

We were not taught emotional regulation.

We were not taught boundaries.

We were not taught vulnerability.

We were not taught safety.

We were not taught how to name our feelings — let alone sit with them.

And now we’re expected to:

• stay calm

• be patient

• be mindful

• co-regulate

• teach coping skills

• listen to big feelings

• remain gentle

• set boundaries

• raise emotionally healthy humans

Meanwhile, we’re learning these tools for the very first time alongside our kids.

We’re doing double duty:

healing backwards while parenting forwards.

No wonder we’re exhausted.

No wonder we feel behind.

No wonder our nervous systems are fried.

We’re the transitional generation — the emotional bridge between “suck it up” and “let’s talk about it.”

That’s not failure.

That’s generational labor.

 

You’re Not Behind — You’re Unlearning

If any of this feels like you, I want you to hear this clearly:

You’re not broken.

You’re not failing.

You’re not unqualified.

You’re not weak.

You’re not dramatic.

You’re healing wounds while simultaneously trying not to recreate them.

That is brave.

That is hard.

That is heroic work.

And you deserve tools, support, and kindness — the same things you want to give your child.

 

This Is Exactly Why Whimsy & Wonder Exists

Not to preach.

Not to shame.

Not to add to the stress.

Not to tell you to “try harder.”

Whimsy & Wonder exists to help:

• learn emotional skills they weren’t taught

• build emotional safety at home

• find self-compassion

• understand their nervous system

• learn trauma-informed tools

• break cycles without breaking themselves

• raise kids with connection before correction

  
  

You are not alone in this.

You are not behind.

You are simply a Gen X parent trying to build something beautiful out of what you never got.

And I’m right here with you.